How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
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Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now