[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
You Might Also Like
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong