Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
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i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.