I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
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Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?