Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
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I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
haha same
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
awkward
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.