My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
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[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.