I want this so bad
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In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name