I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
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[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
*pronounces patio like ratio
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss