“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
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Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
*looks at you in batman voice*
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.