[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
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oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
it be like that
My current situation
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?