[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
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Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.