Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
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psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog