I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
You Might Also Like
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.