mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
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“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
whenever i wake up before my alarm
wtf is a larm clock?
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit