Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
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If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.