FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
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this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.