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“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.