If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
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Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
happy valentine’s day to me
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.