Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
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My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Nice try, NASA
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.