[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
same bro
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*