Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water