They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
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Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.