Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
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I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.