They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
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My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
This meeting could have been a cake
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.