“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
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My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.