*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
You Might Also Like
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years