Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines