The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
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Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
All generalizations are stupid.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
God has left this place
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
He-man has a Masters degree
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.