Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
You Might Also Like
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Breaking news:
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.