The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
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You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Sign at work today
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
⛄️
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.