Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
You Might Also Like
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?