I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
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Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy