Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
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I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
finally found a reasonable question
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
😅🤣😂
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.