If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
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I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked