My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
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I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.