Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
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My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.