SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
You Might Also Like
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension