I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
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I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.