I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
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People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!