Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.