me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
You Might Also Like
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.