#MeanwhileInCanada
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.