Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER