It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson