You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
You Might Also Like
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes