me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
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In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
pizza
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.