It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
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this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.