Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
If you love someone, let them tweet.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.