*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
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Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.