What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
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It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.